Learning to receive feedback
How many of my high achievers out there want feedback, you crave it, but have a really hard time hearing it (at least when it’s bad)?
Even when the feedback is coming from a trusted source, is wrapped in a bow, or is presented in a feedback sandwich (ie. compliment, constructive criticism, and then a compliment again), it still stings for you!
And how do you respond to the sting?
Are you a fighter? Meaning you….
Counter attack with criticism
Play victim
Eye roll or interrupt the other person sharing the feedback
Do you reject the feedback completely?
Or, are you a flee-er? Meaning you...
Withdraw from from the conversation, energetically or physically
Run away and hide in your office behind your computer
Do you spiral into blame of yourself?
Your ancient biological survival mechanism, your fight or flight response, is critical to your survival in a true life or death situation. However, beware that your unfiltered and automatic response to modern day threats, such as your hurt ego or highlighted insecurities, can result in unwanted side effects to the business, such as...
Conflict avoidance
Impaired teamwork
Loss of productivity
High turnover
And more
Charles Swindoll said that, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.”
Effective communication, which includes your controlled response to feedback, is important for your business.
Customer feedback loops advance your products and services, keeping you not only relevant, but competitive. Employee feedback loops advance your company culture, creating an efficient, effective, and profitable business. But in order for these communication loops to be effective, leaders need to not only participate in the conversation, they need to be engaged and interested in what has to be shared, and they must have controlled and conscious responses.
That said, this blog is going provide you with a 4 step mindful communication tool that will advance your communication. It’s called, Appreciative Communication.
Appreciative Communication is beneficial because it will help you:
Avoid negative misunderstanding
Determine what your subordinate, peer, or investor is really saying to you
Avoid arguments more easily
Increase trust
Build emotional closeness with the team
Before sharing the mindful communication tool, let’s define feedback first.
Feedback is defined as information about reactions to a product, a person's performance of a task, etc. which is used as a basis for improvement.
Hearing that definition, is it just me or does that definition sound neutral or almost positive?
The truth is, feedback is neither negative nor positive. Actually, every situation or circumstance is neither negative or positive — it’s all neutral! Situations or circumstances only become good or bad once you apply your thoughts to it. Even death is neutral. Yes, death. For example, some countries and cultures don’t mourn death, they celebrate it!
Shakespeare says, “Nothing is either good or bad but thinking making it so.”
But if every situation or circumstance is neutral, how is it that feedback seems to sting for so many people?
Well, it stings for a few reason:
A lot of feedback which is shared isn’t specific. And when feedback or a conversation isn’t specific, your brain will fill in the gaps with assumptions. And when given the opportunity, your brain will assume the worst case scenario.
If the feedback is coming from someone you don’t like, or have an issue with, your brain is likely to assume the messenger of the feedback does not have good intentions and your best interest at heart.
Even if the feedback is coming from a trusted source, feedback draws out our perceptions about ourselves, our insecurities about how good we really are, triggering emotions of fear.
If you’re receiving feedback at work, then feedback is likely to draw out the uncertainty of your job security.
To help calm your critter brain and your fears, and empower you to have a more controlled response to feedback, try applying these 4 steps to Appreciative Communication.
Step 1: Validate the other person’s perspective.
We often forget that other people have different perspectives, and their perspectives are as valid as our perspectives. For the most part, perspectives are partial and dependent on your own experiences, your own moods, your environment, and your upbringing.
When you practice this step, keep in mind that it requires your willingness to temporarily set aside your own assertion that you are right and the other person is wrong or misguided (difficult, I know). Listen with a willingness to consider that the other person has a point of view, an unmet need, or a desire that’s right and good, even if the desire or request is contributing to a feeling of friction or conflict. It’s very possible that the other person’s experience and views make sense in his/her world, even if it doesn’t make sense in yours.
Step 2: Get specific.
As humans, we tend to delete, distort, or generalize details of the conversation happening in our own heads, but for some reason, we still expect others to just get us (this done unconsciously/ unintentionally).
For example, if I say, “next time, I need your presentation to be better”, your idea of a better presentation is almost guaranteed to be different in your head vs. my head (unless you had special mind reading abilities).
When specifics are lacking, it often leads to a lack of clarity. And the root cause of conflict frequently isn’t what IS said, it’s often what ISN’T being said! This leads to distortion, misunderstanding, arguments, hurt feelings, resentment, anger….and that’s exactly how communication breakdown happens.
A communication breakdown almost feels like we’re speaking different languages with one another, even though we’re both speaking English.
Step 3: Empathize with the other person.
To have empathy doesn’t mean or make anyone more right than it other. Rather, empathy is sharing feelings with one another.
Try using words like:
That makes sense
I could see how you feel that way
I’m sorry that was your experience
Empathy will help the other person feel heard and understood.
Step 4: Close the loop.
Be willing to give yourself and the other person “space” instead of holding the pressure to resolve the issue right away. Allow for time apart to process what was shared. But, be very clear on next steps, and close the loop. Closing the loop will help reduce the chances of the other person making his/her own conclusion about what you are doing or not doing with the information, building trust and transparency in the relationship.
When you practice Appreciative Communication, notice how it:
Transitions you, the person receiving the feedback, from defensive to curious, lightening the sting of what you’re hearing
Helps the messenger of the feedback feel heard, understood, and safe
Creates a connection between you and the person you’re communicating with
If you would like support and accountability in building your self-controlled and conscientious communication and relationships, then I would love to gift you with a FREE coaching session.
Your FREE coaching session is a great opportunity to discover:
A powerful vision for yourself and what it will mean for you
Lifestyle habits or thought patterns which may be stopping or slowing you down from elevating to new heights
A step by step plan of action that has you steering your ship with confidence and control
By the end of our conversation, you will have gained clarity about what you want, the best path forward to achieve it, and you will walk away with at least one major aha about how to break out of your stress and take action from a place of passion, momentum, and truth.
Check our Services to learn more about our coaching offerings!
If you love podcasts, catch Episode #6, How to Receive Feedback, on Empowerhouse Life Coaching, the Podcast!