Maybe you’re the problem, not them
Do you box people? Do you box your friends, family, employees, your significant other?
For example, if your friend, who loves to party, shares that he wants to start drinking less, do you chuckle and say, “I’ve heard that one before.” Or do you say, “That’s awesome. Let me know how I can support you.”
Here’s another example...
If your significant other agrees to work on being less selfish, do you say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Or do you say, “Great. Please let me know what you need from me to be successful.”
And what about your employees? If you have an underperforming employee who agrees to apply the changes you’ve requested to help improve their performance, how do you assess their progress? Do you search for evidence which reinforces they can’t do the job? Or do you focus on behaviors and actions which demonstrate their improvement?
If you haven’t yet gathered, to box someone is to:
Hold someone to an identity you created for them
Search for evidence which reinforces your beliefs about that identity
Interpret information or your experiences in a way which reinforces your beliefs about that identity
Easily dismiss evidence which doesn’t align with your beliefs about that identity
Discourage a person’s growth and slow down his/her personal development
When boxing is applied in a business setting (ie. when employees are boxed by leaders), boxing results to:
Increased turnover
Decreased morale
Decreased productivity
Increased costs
So, why do we box people and how do we break the habit?
In this blog, I’m going to share a concept called mind maps, which will provide you with some insight on why and how we box people. And then, I’m going to provide you with 5 steps which will help break you out of the habit of boxing, and into the habit of empowering others to grow and step into a new identity.
That said, let’s get into it!
Boxing stems from the power of our beliefs. It is our beliefs which create our experiences, and our experiences which reinforce our beliefs. And this concept called mind maps can help give us a little more insight on the relationship between our beliefs and our experiences.
Mind Maps are a foundational concept that helps us understand that everyone sees the world differently. Our mind maps are all different, and are based on our upbringing. We started assembling our maps at birth, and over the years kept adding to it as we experienced new things.
Our map of the world determines our attitudes, beliefs, prejudices, and individual perceptions at any given time. This means everything you see and hear is adjusted in a way which fits into the map, or your unique map of the world.
Mind maps are automated. So, as you go through an experience, new input gets taken in, evaluated, interpreted, and assigned a place as best as your internal map knows how.
Sometimes, the automated process misplaces things or incorrectly codes them. It also rejects, and sometimes cannot integrate new information. Rejecting information could look like a compliment that bounces off you because it doesn’t jive with how you view yourself.
Your mind map is your internal reality, and is unique to you!
Now, let’s bring mind maps back to boxing people and our beliefs….
As I mentioned before, your mind map is automated, which means it’s happening at the subconscious level. In order for to move away from boxing people, it would require you to consciously challenge your way of thinking and challenge how you experience others.
With a better understanding of boxing and mind maps, I’m going to ask you to consider that when people are on the journey of change and growth, you may be a problem — hindering or slowing down their personal development, success. You may be the problem, not them.
And hold up. Before your mind map rejects or miscodes what I just said, here me out.
If you are guilty of boxing people (we all are!), this is great news because you have the power. As a leader, you not only have the power to shift your experience of another person, you have the power to to influence their growth. And I don’t just mean in the workplace.
John Maxwell says, “Leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less.”
Leadership is about your ability to empower others, which means you have the power to show up as a leader and influence others in any area of your life.
That said, here are your 5 steps to breaking you out of the habit of boxing, and into the habit of empowering others to grow and create a new identity.
If someone says they want to make a change, believe them, and believe they are capable of that change.
One of my favorite quotes is from the Santa Clause movie with Tim Allen… “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.”
If your significant other says I want to work on being less selfish, trust they have the desire. If your friend says I don’t want to be known as the drinker of the group anymore, believe them. If your employee thanks you for the feedback you provided, believe they want to contribute and add value to the company.
The reality is, your friend, family member, employee, or whoever could be lying to you and just saying what they know you want to hear, but they could also be speaking their truth.
If someone really has it in their heart, the desire to make a change for the better, which belief do you think would encourage their growth?
Get clear on the details of the change.
Marty Rubin said, “When the meaning is unclear, there is no meaning.”
If your significant other has committed to working on being less selfish, help him/her be successful by getting clear on what that new identity looks like. Provide examples of the behaviors you would like to see or experience.
If your employee commits to improving their performance, provide specific tasks, behaviors, or ways of thinking which model success.
Where you can, bring assumptions to the minimum, and clarity to the maximum.
Expect them to fumble.
Authentic change takes commitment, time and practice. It’s not an overnight job.
When someone is making a change in their life, they will stumble and they will fall. How big, small, or how many times is unique to each person.
Be compassionate, be forgiving. Use the fumble moment as an opportunity to help identify what needs to shift for next time.
Hold a vision of them in their new identity.
Simone Sinek said, “Leadership is about empowering others to achieve things they did not think was possible.”
When you envision your friend, family, employee in this new, and elevated identity, how empowering will that be for him or her? To have someone hold him/her to a new standard of themselves they weren’t even sure was possible.
And for you, when you hold this vision, notice a shift within yourself. Notice a shift in your focus. Notice how you shift from discouragement to empowerment. Notice how you shift from holding them accountable to their pitfalls to helping them build a bridge to walk through it. Notice how you start to see actions which contribute to their success.
Be there #1 supporter.
Robert Ingersoll said, “We rise by lifting others.”
When those around you succeed, you succeed. Be their cheerleader.
Humans are social beings, and we are most comfortable when we are connected and sharing emotions. Share your light. Use the power of your voice to harness strength within the other person. Create a positive sense of what is possible for them.
This concludes your five steps. To recap:
If someone says they want to make a change, believe them, and believe they are capable of that change.
Get clear on the details of the change.
Expect them to fumble.
Hold a vision of them in their new identity.
Be there #1 supporter.
These five steps can be practiced in the workplace, your personal relationships, or any area of your life.
If you’re interested in support and accountability in your own journey of breaking bad habits and adopting empowering thought patterns and behaviors which drive you to success, then you’re invited to join a Stanford University Master's Degree Mindset Group Coaching program. This program has been a training for about 41 years, and is a proven, state-of-the-art methodology which has revolutionized the art of success.
Whether you’re in the middle of a job transition, a life transition, or simple stuck in one area of your life (ie. the habit of boxing others), this course is filled with practical tools and powerful techniques that will ignite self discovery, awaken personal insight, and empower you to step fully into the life you desire.
This course launches September 13th, and is being offered at 80% off for a limited amount of time. Spots are limited and we are close to capacity. If you are interested in learning more and RSVPing, access this link to save your seat.
If you love podcasts, catch Episode #9, Maybe You’re the Problem, Not them, on Empowerhouse Life Coaching, the Podcast!