Who are your people?
Let’s be real, I’m not for everyone, and neither are you!
We each have our own quirks, characteristics, odd things about us which some people find endearing and others find just plain annoying! But if someone finds you annoying or invokes judgement on what you say, what you like, what you’re wearing, how do you respond? Do you adjust to their likings, or do you shake it off and say, “eh, I’m not for everyone” and carry on?
As kids, we used to live so carefree — carefree of others judgements. We used to do things just because. We used to dance to the beat of our drum, and wear two different color socks and polka dot pants, just because.
But then, life happened.
Someone might have told you that you don’t have rhythm, so you stopped dancing. Someone might have looked at your mis-colored socks and polka dot pants and said, “you look weird,” so you stopped wearing bold prints and started making sure everything you wore matched.
As you continued through and experienced life, these little gremlins started to form in your head — they were little monsters disguised as your best friend. These gremlins became your committee of limiting, negative belief systems. They became the voices that said, “make sure you’re wearing solid prints.” When your favorite tune came on, so did the voice in your head that said, “don’t even think about embarrassing us today.”
These gremlins helped you form these different sub personas — you put on a disguise. Years later, you don’t even remember what it feels like to be without your armor, your mask.
But today, there is a calling...something is pulling at you, telling you something isn’t right, or something needs to change.
What is it? Do you know how to change it?
What if what needed to change was your act? What if, one day you dropped the act?
What if, one day you decided to not only speak your truth, but to live your truth? What would happen?
What would happen if you shared who you really were and shared your real story. What if you shared your story of grief, loneliness, or isolation?
What if you also shared your story of accomplishment? And your accomplishment could simply be the process of overcoming a fear.
What if the process of shedding your masks was the medicine you needed to heal you beyond expectations of others, grow against the odds, and attract an audience, a committee of empowerment?
As humans, we are wired for connection— it’s an innate human desire to be a part of something larger than us. And when we take action to connect with others, we experience feelings of acceptance, love, meaning, purpose, inclusion, kinship, safety and more. Alternatively, when we anticipate or experience exclusion, we experience feelings of fear and danger, and we suffer.
That said, connecting and belonging to a tribe is tremendously important and has a powerful impact on our health, happiness, and wellbeing. But, many mistakenly exercise the practice of “fitting in” with others, rather than fitting in with themselves first, in order to feel closeness.
Brene Brown says, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing along in the wilderness.”
Belonging to yourself takes courage.
So, how do you fit in with yourself AND find and connect with your people at the same time?
In this blog, I’m going to share 5 steps that will help you achieve this.
These five steps can help you identify and connect with your people in the workplace, networking events, in a social setting, or romantic relationships.
That said, be aware that because relationships are vulnerable, these steps will require you to step out of your comfort zone and step into your discomfort zone.
The truth of the matter is, you could be in a relationship or you could have a community of friends, but if you’ve been showing up to these relationships in a disguise, these people don’t know you. And when people don’t know you, it doesn’t matter how many people are around, your world is lonely.
With these five steps, my goal is to help you create a world of love, joy, and abundance.
Before I share these steps, I want you to think of and approach these steps as though you were a scientist in a white coat, studying in a lab, and the person you’re studying is YOU. And just like a scientist, nothing is bad or good, it just is, or it isn’t. There is no judgement in a lab, just curiosity and amazement. As you approach and take action on these steps, be neutral as a scientist would.
That said, here are your five steps to shedding your disguise, and finding and connecting with your audience.
Step 1: Notice your inner critic
The inner critic has many names — the inner critic, lizard brain, and critter brain are just a few. The inner critic is one of the most damaging voices for you.
The inner critic is the one that blames, shames, criticizes, or discourages you. It’s the voice that tells you you’re doing it all wrong. It’s the one that says, “don’t embarrass us.” It’s the one that says, “just settle, this the best you’ll ever get.” It’s the one that says,” don’t do or say that, people will think we’re weird!” It’s the one that blames you for everything.
In this step, I just want you to notice and get familiar with the inner critic. Don’t get mad at it. Rather, be an observer and notice it’s there.
Step 2: Notice your judgement of others
This is the voice that judges, compares, and puts down others. Just like everyone else, there is a part of us that judges others.
This is the voice, the part of us which makes negative assessment of other people.This is the voice that doesn’t think someone can dance, the voice that thinks someone looks like a fool, the voice that thinks someone is too extravagant, the voice that thinks someone is not smart enough, is full of themselves, or is too flashy.
In this step, don’t get mad at yourself when you find yourself judging others, just get curious. Make note of when this happens and how often it happens.
Step 3: Notice the judgement from others/from the outside
Judgement from others could be a criticism of you (ie. your curly hair is frizzy, you should straighten it) or someone criticizing a group you are a part (ie. a collective judgement from society).
When you’re witnessing or observing others' criticism, be aware that their criticism may echo your inner critic. If this happens, you may be tempted to believe the criticism, but two criticisms don’t make a truth! Just be a witness of the criticism, observe and notice it. What’s being said about you is either a criticism, or it isn’t — that’s it. Nothing is bad or good, it just is or it isn’t.
As you go through steps 1,2,3, I also want you to recognize which voice is louder. Is your inner critic louder than the judgement from others? Or are you criticizing others more than others criticize you?
Remember, this is not the time to say, “I'm a bad” or “a terrible person”. This is just a time to be curious and fascinated by how many voices of judgment are in your head and how often they show up.
Additionally, the intention behind steps 1,2,3 is to have you start the process of separating you from the voices, because YOU ARE NOT those voices!
From there, go into...
Step 4: Tap in your Voice of Wisdom
Your Voice of Wisdom is wise, relaxed, and constructive. It opens you up to new experiences and satisfactions. Your Voice of Wisdom’s assessments about circumstances are logical and objective. It views and see’s the world without emotion or judgement
As you start to notice and become aware of your different Voices of Judgements, pick one of the voices which has the loudest voice. Maybe your inner critic is the loudest. If it is, ask yourself, “what does my Voice of Wisdom have to say about this?” If your inner critic is saying, “don’t embarrass us”, ask your Voice of Wisdom to respond. Your Voice of Wisdom might respond, “what’s the worse that can happen? They laugh? You won’t die. What if you actually have a good time? What if others joined you and danced?”
The goal of step 4 is to get you familiar with your Voice of Wisdom and make THIS VOICE your new best friend.
You’ll know you’re tapped into the Voice of Wisdom when you’re navigating forward with a sense of calm — that’s when the magic happens. That’s when your disguise starts to fall to the ground, you shed the mask and your armor, you feel taller, lighter, and full of new possibilities.
As you begin to navigate the world without your disguise and interact with those around, you’ll be able to gage which audience empowers you to stay in your strength and stay in your truth, and which audience does not..
Last step: Step 5: Have faith in your worthiness
For some of you, you may have experienced some traumatic experiences — traumatic judgements or maybe even abuse when you tried to be you. Because of our different experiences, our masks have functioned like an armor — it’s protected us.
Believe you are worthy of love and belonging. Believe, out of the billions of people out there, you have an audience, and your audience is waiting for you to show up.
Trust that your right audience will appreciate you, they will find your odd, corky behaviors endearing and hilarious. They will believe what you have to say matters, and they will receive and elevate from your gifts.
Have faith and take off your mask…your people can’t find you when you’re disguised as someone else.
When you’re navigating through these five steps, don’t be afraid of losing people along the way. Be more afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone else around you.
To recap, your 5 steps to unveiling the person under the disguise and finding your people are:
Step 1: Notice your inner critic
Step 2: Notice your judgement of others
Step 3: Notice judgement from others
Step 4: Tap into your Voice of Wisdom
Step 5: Have faith in your worthiness
Remember, be a scientist in these steps — stay objective. It will be difficult, but like everything else we master, it takes practice! Give yourself permission to stumble. Expect your Voice of Judgement to be super loud. Expect it to take some time for you to learn how to turn up the volume of your Voice of Wisdom. Expect yourself to come up against the brick wall of frustration, and when you do, pat yourself on the back, and say, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
The brick wall of frustration is a part of the process.
Now if your inner critic is so loud and hindering your ability to think clearly, problem solve, and elevate you to new heights, or just blocking your joy and happiness, I’d love to gift you with a FREE Coaching Session.
In this session, we’ll create an Inner Game Strategy for you:
We’ll identify what you’d like to be experiencing, instead of what you’re experiencing today
We’ll uncover what might be stopping or slowing you down from having what you want
Together, we’ll create a step by step plan of action that has you elevating to new heights
To schedule your FREE Coaching Session, click here.
Together, let’s end the year strong with you steering your ship with confidence and control.
If you love podcasts, catch Episode #10, Who Are Your People, on Empowerhouse Life Coaching, the Podcast!